Visions 1

you get them on your own, but because you can convey them to someone else.

part of a circle.

i get a pit in my stomach when i think about writing this, but maybe its a good pit.

my sister got so mad at me, it’s like she wanted me to die. i

never saw that before, or maybe i did, a long time ago. very distant. i must have been a child.

this is right before I talked to this “oracle” person, who is not obligated to always say the truth. she lies on purpose, but its more like she’s a mirror. a black mirror? i hope she would laugh at that phrase, but who knows. (a good tv show?)

why did i say to the oracle person that i don’t see racism? the fact is i see it all the time, to the point where i suspect i am racist. i feel racist because i see race. i didn’t use to see it, whatever it is. i remember the moment I was told there is a difference, but thats a different blog. at any rate, it seems impossible to speak clearly and honestly when I talk to OP, so thats a reason not to talk to her.

all this kind of thing makes me want to go back to sleep forever, or at least not get out of bed. just keep reading these books i’m ordering used from amazon.

i really like Ultra Luminous by Katherine Faw. her book is inspiring me to write in these short paragraphs. its about a high end hooker, the sex is contained in single sentences. everything seems to be contained in single sentences.

is reading an addiction to cover over the denial? denying the denial. in my family we read from a young age. all of us kids, reading, reading. jeb continued to read even after leaving the house, going to libraries often.

he traveled around the country like an american gypsy, his whole life. but still he’d visit libraries.

being angry at your mom is like saying you wish you’d never been born, but then, saying that means you go around the world killing it, leaving destruction in your wake. so we musn’t be angry at our mothers. besides she has always had a hard enough time, herself. quite. so its worth it to find out where the poison came from before that. the air? the water? no, no, not that mother either. its a real motherfucker, isn’t it?

i am not worthy of making this search. but i can’t help it. it occurs in my body. i can’t stop, i can only deny. so when i go for my addictions, so that i can feel something, the other stuff comes flooding in. its a way of seeing the world. i’d just like it to make sense, or rather, have clarity about it. quite a lot to ask, seeing as how my life only has a certain amount of orderliness about it. i could do alot more on that score. simplify, extrude. thats what this is, extruding. rude extruding.

while setting up my new blog, crying while driving, my foot has a pain on the left side of the bottom of my right foot, right north of the heel.

visions are a feeling of purpose, that may or may not have images attached. but definitely may. if you don’t see the visual that goes with the vision, your vision has the possibility of not coming true. so there seems to be some work involved. it's one reason sometimes i wish i could just be blind. no i don’t wish that.

everyone has a vision but for many of us it is blurry, or written in disappearing ink.